Long Live the Queen

So, I should probably explain something.
Right now, this is a pretty depressing blog, but the reason being is that I only feel like writing when I feel like crap. If you notice, I haven't made a post in a while. I've been perfectly happy, I just don't feel like writing when I'm happy. =P
I'm hoping to get out of that habit.

I went to Barns & Noble at like, 8:30 last night with my parents, and stayed for about an hour. I left with an armful of books.
That was the first time I'd been there that late. It was nice. Not that it was much different, but there were less people, and the people that were there seemed more interesting... more like... more like me, I guess. Not that I'm interesting. I'm different.
Me, wearing shorts, Batman high-top Converse with bright yellow laces, a shirt that reads "Your Boyfriend Loves Me", a big army backpack with the NOTW symbol on it - along with Zelda OoT pens on it - looking as if it's carrying a lot of books already (which it is), my hair straightened - but an unbrushed mess from working....
Think of that and know that I'm one of those people that doesn't care for the popular things much. Yeah, those are the type of people that were left in the store. Young, like me too. Maybe a little older.
For the store music they were playing music I really liked. I made sure to make note of the lyrics for when I got home and could look them up.
Which, by the way, they played two albums while I was there. "Shrines" by Purity Ring, and "Fragrant World" by Yeasayer. 
That's another thing I love about Barns & Noble, they don't play the radio. They just play CD albums.. and it's always stuff I like. One time I was in there and they were playing Lana Del Rey's "Born to Die" album, and I was like, Oh. My. Gosh. Could this place be any more perfect??
I wish I worked there. Like, badly. I'd never come home with any money though. I'd spend my paycheck there all the time.

Oh! Right. Well, if you want to know, these are the books I ended up leaving with, and I just want to talk about one of them (or, rather, talk about the subject of one):

 The Child Thief (Brom)

 Looking for Alaska (John Green)

 Daughter of Smoke & Bone (Laini Taylor)

The Lady in the Tower: The Fall of Anne Boleyn (Alison Weir)

Let me explain this to you. If there was any person I could meet from history, it would be Anne Boleyn. I adore her. She was cunning, smart, and knew exactly what she wanted. Even though she wasn't particularly pretty, she was pretty and charming enough to get the attention of anyone she wanted. She wanted to be queen. I have no doubt that she loved Henry VIII, and he loved her, but the throne was an added bonus. She caught Henry's heart and managed to get him to nullify his marriage with Catherine of Aragon (his first wife that had given him no son), in order to marry Anne. She had a plan, and everything was perfect, except for one very important thing. Anne was failing at giving Henry a son. One girl and and two miscarriages (one of which was believed to be a boy), Henry was starting to think that he had made a mistake. People think she grew desperate enough that she slept with other men in order to conceive a boy, because Henry came to her less and less. They even accused her of sleeping with her brother George. None of these, of course, can be proven. I, like most, firmly believe that she was not unfaithful to Henry.

Because of the accusation of committing incest, she was considered a witch. People demanded her off the throne, and screamed for her head. Henry had no choice. (not like he cared about her anymore anyway)

She was to be executed.

In the end, it seems that she had lost her mind in the Tower, having seen her brother beheaded before her. In her final hours it is said that she seemed happy, as if she was not going to lose her life that day. Others say that she was just ready to leave the world.

She was not even given the "honor" of being beheaded with an ax on a chopping block. On her knees, sitting up, she was beheaded with a sword.

In the end, after all six of Henry's wives, Anne being the second, the girl that Anne had given him found her way to the throne, and became Queen of England. Elizabeth I.


So... yes. Anne is sort of a passion of mine. I can't learn enough about her.

On a random note, I took a profile picture of myself that I actually like.

Truly yours,

Soar.

P.S. Any guy that can play an acoustic guitar like this, has my heart.

Wanted: Good and happy book.

My head hurts.
It has been all day. I think it has something to do with my eating... or lack thereof.
See... I don't like eating. I don't like gaining weight. I just don't. I only eat when I have to. Normally, right now, that's about once a day. I wake up, about 30 minutes before I have to leave for work. Work 11-8 or 10-7, and eat when I get home. That's it. Today I woke up with my head splitting. Throughout the whole day my head felt like that. Needless to say, it wasn't pleasant. I took some pain killers though. It feels a little better. Though it may have something to do with fact that I finally ate, too.
*sigh* I don't know. I would guess that my eating habits are starting to take its toll... but I really don't care that much. So I'm not gonna worry about it.

I just finished reading a book called The Fault in Our Stars by John Green.
It was a pretty good book. Depressing as crap though. Now I get to have the fun picking out what to read next out of the 300 books in my room. :3

I really don't have that much to say. Chandler's still gone... He's even further away now. That's kinda sad. I can't wait til he gets back and we can hang out. I miss him.

Chris just messaged me on Facebook.... I wouldn't say we're talking though. I don't know what happened to me and Chris. It's like I don't know how to talk to him anymore. I have nothing to say. Which is weird, because he's like a really awesome friend. And we are best friends... but... It's not like we're not anymore... but I think the distance has effected us over the years.
He's frustrated and thinks that I don't want to talk to him anymore, and I don't know what to do, because it's like there's a block that I can't get past. Even if I try to talk to him, it's hollow. On both sides.
It's frustrating to me too. I have no idea what's going on.
It's not like I'm loosing him though...
I just don't know.


...Chris became my friend when I really needed one. And, ironically, Chris moved right around the time my life started to get back on track again. I know God did that on purpose, but sometimes I wonder if Chris was never meant to be involved in my life afterwards.. I know that's sad, and it seems wrong, but that's the only explanation I can come up with as to why things are just off with us right now.
It's really dumb, and I don't like it.


Crap. I need to read a happy book.

Yours truly,
Sore.

Missing X's - Wanting O's

There's something to be said for the love of friends.

Yes. There is. But I'm sure you all know exactly what I mean, so I'm just going to leave it there. We've all had our experiences.

Truth is, though...

*sigh* I don't know. I don't feel like writing tonight. My best friend is somewhere out of town, it seems, a gazillion miles away, and he seems to have taken all my inspiration with him.

I'll just talk. How about that? Nothing deep.

In church today, I had a class taught by Sister King.
This was the first time I've actually met her, and I've always been kind of curious about her, because... well... she's my ex-boyfriend's step-mother. At the time that I first knew about her, though, she was my boyfriend's father's fiancé.

I became worried when I found out she was going to teach the lesson. I mean, here's a woman who's known me as her boyfriend's son's girlfriend... all the way through until I turned into her stepson's ex-girlfriend, who broke his heart to tiny pieces.
I didn't want her to dislike me.... as she started to teach, I realized that she is truly really cool, like, a ton, and I really really didn't want her to dislike me. The thing was.. I didn't know how much she knew.
There were two things she said where I cringed because I knew Alex had at least talked about me a little. Whether it was before or after the break-up, I didn't know. That's the part that bothered me so much. (Does she think I'm a horrible little witch? I wouldn't blame her if she did. I deserve that. But... I think she's so cool.)
The two things where this:
At the beginning of the class she asked for our names. When she came to me she said, "I know you're Maggie," and went on to the next person. All I did was smile and nod as my head was saying, "Oh crap."
The second was kinda the same. For some reason, that I can't remember now, part of the lesson required our ages. Again, she came to me, "I know Maggie's 17." Again - smile, nod, oooh man.

Now, name, age. Those are relatively easy things to come by. That's not a big deal, right? Well... it's just the fact that she knew mine and had no idea about the others, when really, I should have been just as unknown as them - except for the fact that I dated her step-son.

Gah...

Honestly, towards the end, I couldn't tell one way or the other, besides knowing my age and name, she gave no indication that she new anything else and treated me exactly as the other girls. There were no sideways glances, or soul-burning stares, or anything... gratefully.
She's just so cool. I don't want her to dislike me without even knowing me herself. I have a soft spot in my heart for teachers that I love.

Enough about that though.
Alex.
I've seen him around more often than usual because of circumstances. And it's annoying to work at avoiding him in every way.
I honestly wish I could just be his friend... but I have a feeling that would hurt him, or he wouldn't want to have anything to do with me, so I'm keeping my distance. The thing is, he's constantly confusing me with his posts on Facebook. =P

*sigh* I find myself missing him when he walks by ignoring me. Like... him. Not our relationship. Not our relationship at all. I even do that with my previous ex-boyfriend before Alex. Ammon... I miss him too. Again, not our relationship. Just the person.

That's the thing about dating that sucks. You like this friend - alot-alot, so you date them. Then somehow things fall apart even though you both really liked this person that you've agreed to have a relationship with.
Does it have something to do with the way you act? Because, obviously, you act differently as Boyfriend and Girlfriend than you do as friends.... So is it like, now that you act differently around this person, without realizing it, you both become these different people than you were to start out with, and in the end you realize that you don't like the person they've become?
Or
Instead of the person, is it the relationship itself?

....Other factors are involved as well, of course. My relationships ended BOTH because of cheating (well, kinda). I would throw in mental abuse somewhere in there, but that wasn't them. That's just me. *taps forehead*

I don't know. It just makes me wonder about "love".
You're gonna hate me, but I'm one of those people who doesn't believe in True Love.
I don't.
What I believe, is that somewhere there is a person out there that cares enough about you that the relationship you have deteriorates - just like all do - only extremely slowly. So slow, in fact, that you can still stand each other before you die.
Then after death, it won't matter anymore because you'll both be perfect beings...
Only then does a perfect-uncomplicated-not deteriorating relationship exist.

Call me pessimistic, but all I ask is for proof to be proven wrong.... In fact - I'm fishing for it.
Prove me wrong. Please, world. Just for once, prove me wrong.
....

I'm pathetic.
I know.
I just really want to kiss someone right now.

Yours truly,
Sore.

Unreliable Flowers

“’Without pain how could we know joy?’ This is an old argument in the field of Thinking About Suffering, and its stupidity and lack of sophistication could be plumbed for centuries, but suffice it to say that the existence of broccoli does not in any way affect the taste of chocolate.”

In a way, I agree and disagree.

I think of it in the aspect of this:

I think of a boy. This boy was raised in a unbelievably huge mansion, filled with every luxurious thing you can think of. In this mansion, there are others like him - children his age. They stay there in this mansion, they never leave, never go outside. Doors and windows do not exist, as far as this boy is concerned. Inside is everything this boy needs - adults to take care of him, and children to play with - everything he could ever want. This boy would explicitly know joy. Maybe every week he discovered a new luxury in this world he lived, or a new way to play with his friends... But, I suspect, as this boy grew up this way, as things changed - - maybe one of his playmates became his girlfriend, and maybe he discovered a talent in himself that he loved more than anything else he could do - - he would realize something was missing. He would, somewhere inside him, even if there was no hint of the outside world, and he never considered even the idea there could be, know that there was more, and want for something he never knew.

In that want grows the increase of ideas.

In those ideas, an increase of belief.

In that belief, frustration.

In that frustration, anger and sadness...

In that anger and sadness, pain.

The thing with the humanity is that we're never satisfied. We could be given everything, and still feel like we need something else.

In that - I simply state that man is incapable of not feeling either. We just do. Pain and joy are made of us. It's not a "without one, there can not be the other" theory. People simply are made of it. You take away one aspect, and the vessel we are conversing about is no longer human.

Those are just my thoughts about it.

I find it hard to accept change. On my way home from work my best friend texted me and said he could be moving in three months. I felt my lungs deflate in the most painful manner possible. I wanted to say something witty, and cheerful, knowing that I probably wasn't the only one of us feeling bad about this... but, as the selfish person I am, I turned the ringer off my phone and buried it in the bottom of my bag.

My father aggravated me the whole way home, as he always does. I barely even noticed after the text, and what I did notice, I yelled at him irritably for doing it. (I feel bad for him though, sometimes. I think he tries to make me smile... the only thing is, I hate the method he uses for his tries, and he doesn't realize it. Even though I tell him constantly, he doesn't honestly know I'm serious.) When we were almost home, he did say something that almost made me laugh, but I instinctively tried to kill that laugh right away, but as that laugh burned in the back of my throat, I realized that in its last dying moments, it was a cry that was being killed - not a laugh. Dying cries burn like hell.

I told my parents I wanted to practice piano at church because I liked the way it sounded better there than at my piano at home, which was true, but mostly, if I was going to cry, I didn't want an audience. When I got to the church, I noticed there were people there cleaning it. That sucked. However, it seemed that they were almost done. I walked inside the empty chapel and the first thing I noticed, after I turned the lights on, were the flowers. There were flowers everywhere. There were these two easel-shaped flower holders in front of the stand, with big bouquets in them.

The first thing that came to mind was, funeral.

There had been a funeral here.

That nearly did me in. My throat was on fire and my head felt like it was going to explode.

I shuffled over to the piano and sat down on the bench. I had to rest my head on the music stand and take deep breaths in just so that regular breathing wasn't painful. In the end, I did cry a little. A little was all I needed, and I was okay for the moment. I played piano craptastically for about half an hour, got little accomplished, then called my parents to come pick me up.

It wasn't until I was leaving the chapel and turning off the lights that it occurred to me that the flowers there could have been for a wedding instead. There was no distinction in color combination that gave me any hit of which it was though. At that moment, I couldn't decide what was more pathetic - wedding flowers or funeral flowers. (as, I've always found flowers pointless.) I then decided the most pathetic flowers are the ones where you can't tell.

Yours truly,

Sore.